Waiting

Waiting

For a career changing phone call

To hear from a loved one

To know they are safe

Waiting

To find out if I could conceive

If I will ever be a mother

To raise a child

Waiting

For the numbers to fall

Till I can next eat

To be small

How I hate waiting

 

Is It Love?

Is it love?

This butterfly feeling I get?

When I hear your name being said?

When the sound just wont leave my head?

Is it love?

Is it love?

That aching deep down inside?

When I'm waiting for you to arrive?

When pleasing you becomes my drive?

Is it love?

Is it love?

This longing for the smallest touch?

When I need to see you so much?

When you have become my only crutch?

Is it love?

Is it love?

When I can't stop thinking about you?

When I hear myself constantly talking about you?

When I can't let you go?

When I need you to know,

How highly I think of you?

How much I trust you?

When all I want is just to be with you?

Spend time with you?

Talk to you?

Laugh with you?

Listen to you?

Sit with you?

Simply be quiet with you?

And when I can't help but find a way to touch you?

Needing that contact?

Both physically,

And emotionally?

And wanting to feel that you will never let me go?

Is it love?

No Blame

I stand here before you today

A defeated look on your face

And I know that I had a choice

And I know that I chose disgrace.

I do not choose to justify

Or try to displace blame

I accept full responsibility

And I hang my head in shame.

I gave up. I gave in.

And I chose short term reprise.

I am sorry. I'm so sorry.

Don't give up on me now - please.

They

They creep up slowly hiding their faces

Making no noise as they approach the scene

Being seen by nobody and masking their presence

But continually moving forward without hesitation

They position themselves to encircle me

And I become vaguely aware that something isn't right

But I carry on regardless, not knowing what lies in wait,

Ignoring the danger s that are waiting for me.

 

I go about my business

Usually trying to smile and laugh with people

Making conversation, and joining in jokes,

And sometimes forgetting for a while that there is anything to fear

I sometimes feel so in control of them,

That I can become untouchable

That my logical mind can reason them away,

Or my activity block them out.

 

But they are still there. Lying in wait.

Waiting for their opportunity to pounce

To catch me offguard

To frighten me,

And to make me feel so small

And so weak

And so helpless.

 

I find the tears welling up behind my eyes

Without any purpose or reason

Without any event to pin them on

And the sadness engulfs me,

And I am left not knowing what to do

Where to turn

No potential solutions seem sensible

I am paralysed

And all I know how to do is cry,

But all I can get is a few tears.

I feel the sobs inside of me,

Desperate to get out,

Desperate to make their noise,

Desperate.

But my face screws up,

My eyes let out a few tears

And then they stop.

Without removing the sadness.

And I don't know how long they will stay,

Or why they stay.

Or why they came.

But here they are.

Encircling me.

Who do you see?

Who is this person you talk of?

Who is this person you see?

I don't think I have ever met her,

I am certain she can't be me.

You talk of things that aren't there,

You talk of things I can't see.

You must be seeing someone different.

I'm sure that she can't be me.

You say you like this and like that,

But I don't understand what you see.

You describe a nice looking body,

Which cannot belong to me.

You seem to connect me and her,

As if its me you see,

But you must be looking elsewhere.

You sure as hell aren't describing me!

Confusion Again

Confusion spirals on its journey through my mind

Encouraged by the nice things you say

Which make everything seem off centre

Confusion mounts as my heart desires to believe you

But my reflection says it can't be true

And the real truth eludes me

Confusion surges when your words are repeated by others

And yet I remain alone and unloved

Nothing seems to fit together

Confusion echoes through every corner of my mind

As I don't know who I am or what to believe

And I am scared of letting it go

I wish someone would level with me

Tell me the actual truth

Without fear of my response

Without fear of hurting my feelings

But just so that

Once and for all

I would know

And finally understnad

And escape

Confusion

Hope and Hopelessness

He is on the periphory

Always on the lookoutfor a way in

Looking for something to pick on

Something he can cling on to

And when he doesIts like he is glued there

He cannot be shaken off

And when finally his rival creeps in

She somehow loosens his grip

And pushes him back to the periphory

But her grip is not quite so strong

Wearied by the battle

Tossed and turned

And easily dragged away

And he latches on to the gap she has left

And he holds on and holds on

And its a long time before we see her again

She finds it hard to get back

She is afraid of falling off again

And every time she falls

Its a little harder to come back

And I miss her

And I hate him

Her name: Hope

His name: Hoplessness