Personal Poems

Is It Love?

2009-07-05T16:12:00.001-07:00

Is it love?

This butterfly feeling I get?

When I hear your name being said?

When the sound just wont leave my head?

Is it love?

That aching deep down inside?

When I'm waiting for you to arrive?

When pleasing you becomes my drive?

Is it love?

This longing for the smallest touch?

When I need to see you so much?

When you have become my only crutch?

Is it love?

When I can't stop thinking about you?

When I hear myself constantly talking about you?

When I can't let you go?

When I need you to know,

How highly I think of you?

How much I trust you?

When all I want is just to be with you?

Spend time with you?

Talk to you?

Laugh with you?

Listen to you?

Sit with you?

Simply be quiet with you?

And when I can't help but find a way to touch you?

Needing that contact?

Both physically,

And emotionally?

And wanting to feel that you will never let me go?

Is it love?

No Blame

2009-06-03T14:29:00.001-07:00

I stand here before you today

A defeated look on your face

And I know that I had a choice

And I know that I chose disgrace.

I do not choose to justify

Or try to displace blame

I accept full responsibility

And I hang my head in shame.

I gave up. I gave in.

And I chose short term reprise.

I am sorry. I'm so sorry.

Don't give up on me now - please.

They

2009-06-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

They creep up slowly hiding their faces

Making no noise as they approach the scene

Being seen by nobody and masking their presence

But continually moving forward without hesitation

They position themselves to encircle me

And I become vaguely aware that something isn't right

But I carry on regardless, not knowing what lies in wait,

Ignoring the danger s that are waiting for me.

I go about my business

Usually trying to smile and laugh with people

Making conversation, and joining in jokes,

And sometimes forgetting for a while that there is anything to fear

I sometimes feel so in control of them,

That I can become untouchable

That my logical mind can reason them away,

Or my activity block them out.

But they are still there. Lying in wait.

Waiting for their opportunity to pounce

To catch me offguard

To frighten me,

And to make me feel so small

And so weak

And so helpless.

I find the tears welling up behind my eyes

Without any purpose or reason

Without any event to pin them on

And the sadness engulfs me,

And I am left not knowing what to do

Where to turn

No potential solutions seem sensible

I am paralysed

And all I know how to do is cry,

But all I can get is a few tears.

I feel the sobs inside of me,

Desperate to get out,

Desperate to make their noise,

Desperate.

But my face screws up,

My eyes let out a few tears

And then they stop.

Without removing the sadness.

And I don't know how long they will stay,

Or why they stay.

Or why they came.

But here they are.

Encircling me.

Who do you see?

2009-05-29T13:14:00.001-07:00

Who is this person you talk of?

Who is this person you see?

I don't think I have ever met her,

I am certain she can't be me.

You talk of things that aren't there,

You talk of things I can't see.

You must be seeing someone different.

I'm sure that she can't be me.

You say you like this and like that,

But I don't understand what you see.

You describe a nice looking body,

Which cannot belong to me.

You seem to connect me and her,

As if its me you see,

But you must be looking elsewhere.

You sure as hell aren't describing me!

Confusion Again

2009-05-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

Confusion spirals on its journey through my mind

Encouraged by the nice things you say

Which make everything seem off centre

Confusion mounts as my heart desires to believe you

But my reflection says it can't be true

And the real truth eludes me

Confusion surges when your words are repeated by others

And yet I remain alone and unloved

Nothing seems to fit together

Confusion echoes through every corner of my mind

As I don't know who I am or what to believe

And I am scared of letting it go

I wish someone would level with me

Tell me the actual truth

Without fear of my response

Without fear of hurting my feelings

But just so that

Once and for all

I would know

And finally understnad

And escape

Confusion

Hope and Hopelessness

2009-05-26T04:42:00.000-07:00

He is on the periphory

Always on the lookoutfor a way in

Looking for something to pick on

Something he can cling on to

And when he doesIts like he is glued there

He cannot be shaken off

And when finally his rival creeps in

She somehow loosens his grip

And pushes him back to the periphory

But her grip is not quite so strong

Wearied by the battle

Tossed and turned

And easily dragged away

And he latches on to the gap she has left

And he holds on and holds on

And its a long time before we see her again

She finds it hard to get back

She is afraid of falling off again

And every time she falls

Its a little harder to come back

And I miss her

And I hate him

Her name: Hope

His name: Hoplessness

A Heart's Cry

2009-04-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

I stare at this blank page,
And wonder what I can say,
To express this sadness I feel,
But the words have all gone away.

I don't know what to do,
Nothing seems possible now,
I've tried and failed too much,
My mind's become tired of the row.

I know the right choices to make,
But the battle is always there,
I have no more fight left in me,
Its all I can do not to swear.

LEAVE ME ALONE.
I HATE YOU.

Mia

2008-12-20T15:16:00.000-08:00

She blew out the candle and made herself boss
She removed the light and I'm feeling the loss
She messed up the image, turned it to moss
Now all is darkness

The candle smoulders, has hope returned?
It flickers a while, my stomach churns
But the flicker dies out and hope is spurned
Now all is darkness again.

Help

2008-12-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

Help.
I don't know where to go
Its too much for me now
I'm at an all time low

There's nothing left to say
I don't know when or how
I can't see my way
Help.

Tired

2008-12-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

These last few days Lord have been so hard.
I'm in a pit and my body is scarred.
My mind's in chaos, my life's a mess,
There's stuff inside that I just can't express.

I don't know what to do Lord, what to say.
How has my life turned out this way?
What's left to do Lord? Where do I turn?
I think of you and my stomach starts to churn.

I'm all out of hope Lord, there's nothing left.
I'm all out of fight. I'm tired and bereft.
I need you right now Lord to help me to stand,
And to let me stay here Lord, in the palm of your hand.

Tomorrow

2008-12-03T14:50:00.000-08:00

I give you tomorrow.
I give you control.
I fully surrender.
I give you the whole.
I wont hold it back.
I wont try to prove.
I wont have an agenda.
I wont refuse to move.

Silence

2008-12-03T14:16:00.001-08:00

In the silence of this space
I feel the tears run down my face.
I close my eyes against the dread
Of thoughts twirling inside my head.
I listen to my mind convulse
And feel the pain with every pulse
As quietly I break the skin
And let relief come floating in.
My thoughts are released in a flood
As I watch the flow of deep red blood.

Doubt

2008-04-18T15:38:00.001-07:00

I believe in you God, I think.
I don't understand,
The world seems unplanned,
But I trust in you God, I think.

I want to believe in you God.
I'm hurting and scared,
In chains and ensnared,
But I want to trust in you God.

I need to know this is real.
Not just emotion and hype
Not made up tripe,
Jesus, can I trust its all real?

I still love you Father, I do.
But where are you Lord?
The God I adored?
I want to still love You, I do.

Consumed Mind

2007-12-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

My Mind is consumed by a 'thing',
I can't stop thinking about it,
Always end up praying about it,
Simply can't get away from it.

This 'thing' may require me to act,
To make a commitment to it,
Start saying 'yes' to it,
Change my world for it.

I have been frustrated for so long,
Waiting for an answer,
Wanting to know my part,
Desperate to have a role.

Is this 'thing' simply in my mind?
Me making my own answer?
Making it more than it is?
Making me feel significant?

Is my mind consumed by it all,
Because its the answer I seek?
My task, my role, my part,
That will make my frustrations cease?

Is my mind consumed by it all,
Because I'm making it so?
To feel I am doing something?
The next big thing to do?

If I ended up saying 'Yes'
Would it all get better?
Will my frustrations end?
Or will they just get bigger?

Whispers

2007-12-09T14:07:00.001-08:00

Time moves on,
The day gets ever nearer,
Pushing forwards, unrelenting,
I can't prevent it,
I can feel it surrounding me,
The harsh undertones of truth in the air,
The violent whispers,
The voices reminding me,
That I'm about to be found out,
Caught out,
Shown up as a fake.
I don't want them to know.
I picture myself clinging on,
refusing to go.
Clinging on, never letting go.
Not letting them get me,
Knowing I should,
But paralysed by the whispers,
By the darkness,
By my chains.

Prodigal - Casting Crowns

2007-09-26T01:41:00.000-07:00

Living on my own, thinking for myself

Castles in the sand, temporary wealth

Walls are falling down, storms are closing in

Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again

And I've held out as long as I can

Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again

Will You take me back tonight

I went and made the world my friend

And it left me high and dry

I drag Your name back through the mud

That You first found me in

Not worthy to be called Your son

Is this to be my end

Daddy, here I am

Here I am again

Curse this morning sun

Drags me in to one more day

Of reaping what I've sown

Of living with my shame

Welcome to my world

And the life that I have made

Where one day you're a prince

The next day you're a slave

Does Anybody Hear Her? - Casting Crowns

2007-09-26T01:38:00.000-07:00

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

Love Them Like Jesus - Casting Crowns

2007-09-26T01:35:00.000-07:00

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus

You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

Voice Of Truth - Casting Crowns

2007-09-26T01:31:00.000-07:00

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Set Me Free - Casting Crowns

2007-09-26T01:27:00.000-07:00

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am

Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heav'n and Earth belong to me
You are free
You are free
You are free

Meaningless

2007-04-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

The whole of life is completely meaningless.
Going about our business,
Trying to somehow feel that we are significant,
Trying to leave our mark.
To stand and be counted,
To say 'I was here'.
But really, its all just meaningless.

Who really notices what I do anyway?
And who really cares except me?
I delude myself into thinking I can make a difference,
I can be significant.
Really all I am trying to do is shout out to the world,
To say there is purpose in my existence.
But the only purpose in that is to satisfy my own needs.
To make myself feel worth something.

Its all really just meaningless.
A chasing after the wind.
A search for significance in a place that will forget us so quickly,
When we are gone.
What is the point in living?
I don't see the need to be here!
I know people would be sad for me if I am gone,
But except to spare them that pain,
There is no other reason to stick around.

Except that God has created me,
So he must want me here.
I don't understand why!
Is he really so loving?
If He were, would He have put us here?
I am glad He made me so I can know Him,
But I don't see the point in this world.
Bring on the next.

Is the whole of life just meaningless?
I really can't make a difference to the next.
And what is the point in spiritual growth
In being put through trials and tests to strengthen our faith,
If we are going to be perfect in heaven?
Isn't it all just meaningless?
A chasing after the wind?

Who Are You Lord

2007-04-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

I watch you from a distance
Sitting there, eyes closed,
Mouthing words, but not making a sound.
I look at you sitting there
And I ponder as I watch,
Who are you speaking to?
What are you saying?
Are you trying to picture the object of your attention?
Are you thinking about the words, or Him to whom you are praying?
Can you actually hear Him?
How do you know He is there?
Do you truly know Him?
Do you truly know Him?
Who is it you speak to?

I sit in my room quietly
Stopping for a brief moment in time
Letting my mind go quiet, my thoughts be still
And I fix my attention...but on what?
On who?
I start to speak some words
Making requests, giving praise
But who am I speaking to?
Who is my attention fixed on?
Do I truly know Him?
How can I pray to one whom I do not know?
Whom I do not feel?
Whom I can't picture or imagine?
I most certainly believe in Him,
But do I know Him?

Omniscient Father, Omnipotent Creator,
Omnipresent Spirit, King of Kings.
Father of all, my faithful Lord,
Saviour, Creator, King.
Ruler, High Priest, All Holy, All Loving,
Wonderful Counsellor, Perfectly Just Judge,
Mighty Redeemer, Precious Lord.
Perfect Peace Giver, Everlasting One,
Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End.
Trustworthy Master, Gentle Shepherd,
Banner, Protector, Light of the World.
The great 'I am', the Fire, the Whisper,
Beautiful Jesus, Word of God.
Most Worthy of All, Master and Lord.

Who are you Lord?

Who Are You God

2007-04-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

Who are you God I hear myself ask,
What's your relationship with me?
How do I picture you? How do I pray?
What will enable me to see?

I know you are God, awesome and big,
Creator, all powerful king.
I know so much about who you are,
And that's not a little thing.

I have learned a lot through reading your word,
Meeting friends and discussing its meaning.
But whilst all that's good, its just not enough,
Its left me cold and without feeling.

I want you God, I love you God,
I want to be close to you.
I want to know you deep in my heart,
I want this faith to be true.

My deepest request, My hearts deepest yearing,
Is to know you, to see you, to feel you.
Make yourself real to me God if you're there,
Make this my experience too.

Show thyself to me Lord,
Show thyself to me,
Poor unworthy me, yes even me.
Pardon every sin, Lord,
Cleanse me from within more.
Then I from this hour will follow thee.

Can't Be Bothered

2007-04-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

I can't be bothered
To live
To fight
I can't be bothered with feeling bad
I just can't be bothered.

I'm tired, weary, worn out and fed-up
With life
With food
I'm fed up with failing and putting on weight
I'm really fed up.

I'm upset that I am so fat
That clothes don't fit
Or look nice
I am getting fatter and fatter and I hate it
I'm upset and I hate it.

Nichole Nordeman - No Mor Chains

2007-04-28T16:13:00.000-07:00

How did I get locked up inside?
What's this that renders me paralyzed?
I lost myself in small pieces
It happened over time

I traded love for a heavy chain
Another link every other day
I pulled it up and down a mountain
It made me want to say?

No more chains
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away

I wonder now if the choice was mine
The door was open, I walked inside
Nobody had my arm twisted
Nobody made me stay

The face of freedom can show up small
A tiny crack in a prison wall
A song that rises up from silence
A voice that wants to say?

I should let you give me wings
I should let you set me free

Guilt

2007-03-06T01:56:00.001-08:00

The conversations of last night haunt me,
The things I said and the way I said them.
I wish I could watch the evening back again,
So I'd know if its my head trying to condemn.

Has my mind distorted how I came accross?
I simply don't know what people now think of me.
I am living in fear that they all now hate me,
And shaking their heads at my personality.

I hate who I am and want to change,
To make myself easier to be around,
To be fun and relaxed less intense and less proud
And to stop my opinions from being so loud.

I've prayed for the fruit of the spirit to grow
To learn the discipline of quietness and peace
To open my heart to a sense of release
And for all of these battles in my mind to cease.

Oh God please quieten my mind.
I know I have to be obedient to you,
And listen and pray and spend more time with you,
But can I not try to be thin too?

Explore the seven wonders of the world Learn more!

Mind battle

2007-02-24T05:59:00.000-08:00

Who's playing with my head?
Who's causing this confusion?
Leave me alone. Let me be.
I call you the spirit of intrusion.

I was fine as I was - not great, but fine.
In general, I was getting by.
But now I'm not, I'm completely messed up.
Cutting myself, but refusing to cry.

Yes tehre are things I believe about myself,
Which by some may be viewed as 'lies'.
But I've lived with these thoughts all of my life.
They're my identity, my soul, my eyes.

My eyes through which I view the world,
And how it related to me.
To change all of that is to change who I am.
There's more to it than just being free.

I hear the logic of what you are saying.
And the inconsistencies in my mind.
And yet what if you're lying, and my 'lies' are the truth,
And you are just trying to be kind.

I can't just accept that I'm ok.
I'm not, and I just can't pretend
That all of these failures that define who I am
Are excusable. That, I can't comprehend.

And yet what you say makes so much sense,
But I refuse to fall into the trap.
Of being satisfied with who i am
And never dealing with my crap.

So why can't you stop messing with my head?
You're causing my mind to explode.
I'm getting so tangled, so tensed up inside,
And its causing my mind to corrode.

The Christian Delusion

2007-02-24T05:32:00.001-08:00

We talk of a God shaped hole;
An emptiness, a hollownes.
We talk of God filling that 'bucket' within
But does He?
Is it real?

Have we said stuff like this for so long
That we believe it without looking inside?
If we truly searched, would we find we were filled?
Aer we sure?
Have we tried?

When I look inside, what I can see
Is emptiness, hollowness.
A lack of purpose and direction,
Just a shell,
Nothing more.

Yes I know I have passions, but what is the point,
If they go nowhere? Do nothing?
They are empty passions, useless passions
Without help,
Without hope.

So all I have is my hope to be skinny,
I want nothing more, nothing less.
And if there's a chance I will never be slim,
Then life has no meaning
No point.

I am a shell, a frame, an outline.
A plan that isn't complete,
So why not physically be a skeleton
Since thats what I am
Inside?

There's nothing else. No other hope.
All I once hoped for gone.
Its all meaningless, all a delusion.
There's no hope
No fullness of life.

The Tunnel

2007-02-24T05:29:00.000-08:00

The air thickens

The noise increases

The light begins to hurt my eyes

And all ahead I see the walls

Getting narrower and narrower

They seem to never end

Closing in on me

Keeping me prisoner

Trapped

No escape, nowhere to run

There are no hiding places here

No crevices to curl up in

I can't hide

I can't escape

I am on public display

But alone in this bright

Far too bright

Tunnel

I hate myself

2007-02-24T05:26:00.000-08:00

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my fat,
I hate my weight,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my spots,
I hate my hariness,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my chin,
I hate my face,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my legs,
I hate my bum,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my face,
My figure, my body,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my lies,
I hate my deceit,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my age,
I hate my singleness,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my seriousness,
I hate my intensity,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my dependence,
I hate my depression,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate needing attention,
I hate being a burden,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate being challenged,
I hate ignoring God,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my heart,
I hate my hate,
I hate myself so much.

But most of all,

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my fat,
I hate my weight,
I hate myself so much.

Confusion

2007-02-24T05:25:00.000-08:00

Questions spiralling out of control,
Doubts hammering at my head.
Everythings spinning, everything's mad,
Torments weigh heavy on my heart.

Questions keep nagging, confusion starts,
Answers conflicting, confusion mounts.
Is God distant? Does God care
About our little personal concerns?

Is God out there sorting out the Universe?
Is God listening right now
To the questions my heart is expounding,
The frustrations within my mind?

When there is something we Christian's desire,
Are we meant to request it from God?
Or are we meant to learn to be content
With whatever lot we get?

It seems I can't do both,
Because when I ask, I want.
But if I don't ask, will I ever get
This thing my hear so desires?

Its not like what I want is wrong in itself,
Although I realise I want it too muuch.
But I'm scared that if I let go and try not to care,
Then it will never happen at all.

I want to not want, and yet I am scared,
That if I don't want I wont get.
So I want to not want, but don't want to not want,
How can I clear my head?

Alongside all this, I don't even know,
If God will bother getting involved?
I want to clarify its not bad for him not to,
As its such a worldly thing to desire.

Does God get involved in material desires?
Does God grant such requests?
Is it something we're meant to deal with ourselves,
As part of living in this world?

The trouble is I can't do this myself.
I don't have the Characteristics.
Plus the opportunities just don't seem to be there,
So you can see why I need God to care.

I know I ought to take responsibility,
I mean, everyone else manages.
Maybe I was just too late in realising
How hard I'd have to try myself.

What makes it worse is it really just proves
That my opinion of myself is right.
I can't do this myself because of who I am.
Unnatractive, sad and a bit dull.

What do I do? Do I ask God to intervene?
I know that He can if He will.
I just don't kbnow that He will, and so that suggests,
That I have to learn to be fine.

I'm not fine, I don't want to be fine.
And yet I don't have much choice.
I have to live in this second choice world
Regardless of the pain involved.

Fat

2007-02-24T05:21:00.000-08:00

Why am I so disgusting?
Why am I so fat?
Why can't I stop myself eating?
Why can't my stomach be flat?

I really really hate myself.
I hate myself so much.
I am gross, I am huge,
I can't feel my bones at one touch.

I like it when I refuse to eat.
That's when I feel in control.
I am a better person when I've eaten nothing.
It seems to make me feel whole.

I know I can do it for a while,
I have done it a few times before.
But when I lose it and have to eat,
I just can't help but eat more.

Except I can, but I don't,
Which really makes it much worse.
I want to succeed at refusing to eat,
Eating's a failure, to be terse.

When there's 'stuff' in my body I'm dirty,
I need to cleanse the inside.
I need to get rid of all that stuff,
I want to be clean and feel pride.

Pride in my achievements,
At making myself be thin.
At refusing to eat in spite of temptation
Its a battle I just have to win.

I don't want 'them' to find out,
But I also have to be thin.
I just want to lose a bit more.
Really, is that such a sin?

This is my goal - never to eat.
So what do I do when I'm stuck,
If for some reason I am forced to eat?
I must stop after a little and then chuck.

I must stop getting carried away.
Its never ok to go mad.
Chocolate, crisps, cheese and general fat,
Is simply and truly bad.

This is my life, this is my goal,
I will not eat unless forced.
This is my life, this is my goal,
To be thin.

Release

2007-02-05T03:37:00.001-08:00

I'm laying in the darkness.
Doing nothing,
Just laying here,
With thoughts swirling around in my mind.
And with each new thought that comes
I get more tense,
More agitated,
More frustrated.
And I need to release it.
Need to throw something,
Need to rip something.
Cutting isn't helping anymore,
I need something new.

I tried burning my arm,
But couldn't handle the pain,
Another failure.
I tried slicing my thumb.
That wasn't enough.
I punched a wall.
Again, not enough.
I considered finding a vein to cut,
So that I would see the blood flow,
But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
It would be to obvious,
People would see,
People would know.

I must get thin.
It's the only way out.

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Depression

2007-01-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

There's many things I'm feeling,
Which make me wonder why,
Why it is I'm living,
And why I cannot die.

And when the pain surrounds me,
And keeps me trapped inside,
Not many people notice,
Or walk there by my side.

But in the shadowed darkness,
I see a glimpse of light.
I know that I must follow,
The path which now seems bright.

Its you who's helping me through this.
You I'm counting on.
I'll keep my eyes on Jesus
And I'll live on and on.

Should I have told?

2007-01-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

My head is feeling so weary
From the battle that is raging inside.
Its a battle my head is having with itself,
Which I don't know whether to hide.

A part of me knows its good to share stuff,
Knows not to keep it locked away.
In that sense, talking about it was good,
I have said what I could never say.

This side of me feels the tension inside,
When I think of God loving me.
This part of me knows that accepting that fact,
Is soemthing with which I have difficulty.

This part of me knows my feelings are real,
They're genuine strains on my heart.
This side of me is desperate to deal with it all,
But just doesn't know where to start.

And yet there's another side to the story,
One which I think is all lies,
But what if I'm wrong and its actually true?
Can you see the battle over which my heart cries?

That side thinks I have done wrong.
Exxaggerated small negative feelings.
These feelings don't even affect me that much,
And anyway, are common to most human beings.

So why should I make myself different?
Use this for seeking attention?
It frustrates me that I makes such a big deal out of it.
I just wish it had never got mentioned.

Of course I believe God loves me.
Of course I believe He cares.
I only get tense becasue I make myself think I am,
I should never, ever have shared.

I am stupid, attention seeking and proud,
And yet, no, I'm telling the truth.
But am I? I think I am.
But am I?

Is This All?

2007-01-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

Is this all there will ever be?
Shopping, exercise, this family.
Going to work every single day,
Where my effort changes nothing,
Meaningless work for meaningless pay.

I like buying clothes that help me fit in,
I love being with friends and making myself thin,
Discussing theology and faith and such,
But does any of this matter?
It doesn't change very much.

I think I'm scared of it staying that way,
I want to do more, have a part to play.
Is this all there is, no hope of anything more?
I'm told to trust in God's plan,
But I will never know for sure.

Christmas

2007-01-05T13:26:00.000-08:00

Well Christmas day has happened and it was filled with fun,
Many many things to laugh at, many presents shared.
Games were played, dvd's watched, toys and gadgets prepared,
Ready to be used or played with throughout the rest of the year.

So when I am asked 'so how was your Christmas'? how can I not say,
'It was truly wonderful, a really special day'.
I can't because that is the truth, I really enjoyed myself,
I love my family so very much. being together is so much fun.

The only thing that was missing-the biggest thing I guess,
Was my true worship of Jesus, and willingness to be blessed,
By all that he can teach me at this special time of year.
I don't know why I won’t let him touch me, unless its simply fear.

I’m sorry lord I know you're there I know you know my heart.
But there's this stuff I ought to let go of, but honestly I can’t.
I want to please you, worship you, feel you, I want to trust in you,
But the truth is I don't and i'm scared and alone, afraid that none of its true.

I want to beieve.
Help my unbelief.

The gentle quietness surrounds me

2007-01-05T13:19:00.000-08:00

The gentle quietness surrounds me
Like waves gently lapping at my feet,
The breeze calmly stroking my face
A peaceful serenity is in the air.

Funny how the external atmosphere
Can mis-represent all that’s inside.
Funny how there can be internal chaos
When all that’s outside is so nice.

Creation is such a beauty,
Friends and family are kind.
Everything plods along nicely,
No massive hurdles to climb.

But on the inside its different,
On the inside is pain.
All that’s within is tense and tight,
And I just cant escape my mind.

The harsh reality traps me,
Like a tight knot I can’t unravel,
The parched land of my mind screaming for liquid
A chaotic battle within my bones.

And yet

The gentle quietness surrounds me
Like waves gently lapping at my feet,
The breeze calmly stroking my face
A peaceful serenity is in the air.

How can this be?
Why should this be?
Why can’t I be thin?
Why can I not win?

Why is everything in conflict?

Say No!

2007-01-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

I seriously have a problem
I can’t focus on anything but food
There’s muffins and chocolate and biscuits
So that’s it – my attention is glued.

I have eaten a lot of it already
When I promised I’d not eat a thing
I’ve ruined it and now just want more
But I am scared of the mood it will bring.

I get down when I have eaten a lot
Coz it means I am going to gain weight.
Gaining weight is the ultimate no-no
But to lose it – that makes me feel great.

I wont lose lose weight if I eat,
I might lose weight if I don’t.
That’s all I care about, I mustn’t forget
When I want to eat – I just wont.

Come on Kirst you can do it,
You really really can
Just say no way or no thanks
And always stick to the plan.

Normal?

2007-01-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

Do I want to be normal?
Is that what its all about?
Fighting against the differences I see
Between me and others in the world,
My friends,
Society,
'The norm'.

I always hated being different,
Always afraid of telling the truth
About my likes and dislikes,
About the things I did and the way I felt
When it was different,
Odd,
Not 'the norm'.

And yet so many want to stand out,
To not be 'just another person'
And in many ways I so want that too,
But I guess I want it in other ways,
Like being noticed,
Having significance,
Being remembered.

I guess the ways in which I am 'different'
Are not the differences I want.
I am different in ways that are not seen to be good;
The ways that don't make you 'successful'
Like being unattractive,
Boring,
Dull.

The things I have always fought against,
And hid from as many as possible,
That I never mentioned, and couldn't laugh at myself for,
Because actually it all hurt too much,
Because I never wanted it.
I hated it.
Detested it.

Being ugly,
Being fat,
Not being funny,
Not knowing how to start a conversation,
Not understanding culture,
Not knowing the latest trends,
Or music,
Or celebrities,
And not even caring about those things.

Not being able to talk about surface stuff,
Not finding, 'when I was drunk' stories funny.
Not even wanting to listen to them.
Not wanting to laugh or being able to pretend it doesn't matter,
When someone does something,
or says something that is wrong.
Or that hurts someone,
or is damaging.
Only wanting to have fun when it is pure,
And not finding it fun when it isn't.
Basically being boring,
And highly strung.
-A goody-two-shoes.

Having to shave my facial hair,
Being very very hairy everywhere.
Having lots of spots all over my body.
Having a big tummy,
Big thighs,
Big bum.
Having a flaky scalp - otherwise termed dandruff,
Having horrible hair,
A horrible chin,
A tiny round head.

Having very bad eyesight,
Which I stupidly thought was my fault,
And am really actually very embarrassed about.
Having bad fingernails,
Fat feet with weird little toes,
Horrible shape,
Bad taste in clothes,
In music,
In films.

Never being fancied or having a boyfriend.

I hate all those things about me,
They are things I never said,
Mainly because acknowledging them,
Would make me vulnerable and able to be hurt by them.
So I didn't,
But it hurt anyway.
Really hurt.

I guess I wanted people to like me,
To think I had something to offer.
To feel like being with me added something to their lives,
But all that stuff stopped that happening,
And I hated me for it.
And I still do,
I always will do.

Now I guess I am getting to the age
Where my looks don't matter to people so much anymore,
So I feel like now its my time to be someone.
Its my time for everything to all be better;
So why is it not?
I thought it would be,
But its not.

I still want people to like me,
To feel I have something to offer.
To want to be with me because I add something to their lives,
But even now, at this age, at this time,
I am left alone,
Still vulnerable.
Insignificant.

I am afraid of going by unnoticed.
Living my life but leaving no legacy.
A meaningless existence where I just get by.
Being nobody's everything,
Just another person,
A nobody.
A shell.

I guess its the same for many people - most people,
But many of them have found for themselves
Their own little world within the big world.
A family that they can call their own,
Where they are needed,
Influential,
Important.

I don't have that, so the only place I can make a difference,
Is in the bigger, wider world.
And that is a scary place that is too big for little me,
With all my insecurities, and rubishness
My differences,
Oddness,
Incompleteness.

So I want to be significant, and to make a difference,
But yet want to fit into the normal way of doing that.
It makes no sense, how does that work?
What do I even want?
Who am I?
Nothing.
Empty.

This is my life.
This is my shell.