Mind battle

Who's playing with my head?
Who's causing this confusion?
Leave me alone. Let me be.
I call you the spirit of intrusion.

I was fine as I was - not great, but fine.
In general, I was getting by.
But now I'm not, I'm completely messed up.
Cutting myself, but refusing to cry.

Yes tehre are things I believe about myself,
Which by some may be viewed as 'lies'.
But I've lived with these thoughts all of my life.
They're my identity, my soul, my eyes.

My eyes through which I view the world,
And how it related to me.
To change all of that is to change who I am.
There's more to it than just being free.

I hear the logic of what you are saying.
And the inconsistencies in my mind.
And yet what if you're lying, and my 'lies' are the truth,
And you are just trying to be kind.

I can't just accept that I'm ok.
I'm not, and I just can't pretend
That all of these failures that define who I am
Are excusable. That, I can't comprehend.

And yet what you say makes so much sense,
But I refuse to fall into the trap.
Of being satisfied with who i am
And never dealing with my crap.

So why can't you stop messing with my head?
You're causing my mind to explode.
I'm getting so tangled, so tensed up inside,
And its causing my mind to corrode.

The Christian Delusion

We talk of a God shaped hole;
An emptiness, a hollownes.
We talk of God filling that 'bucket' within
But does He?
Is it real?

Have we said stuff like this for so long
That we believe it without looking inside?
If we truly searched, would we find we were filled?
Aer we sure?
Have we tried?

When I look inside, what I can see
Is emptiness, hollowness.
A lack of purpose and direction,
Just a shell,
Nothing more.

Yes I know I have passions, but what is the point,
If they go nowhere? Do nothing?
They are empty passions, useless passions
Without help,
Without hope.

So all I have is my hope to be skinny,
I want nothing more, nothing less.
And if there's a chance I will never be slim,
Then life has no meaning
No point.

I am a shell, a frame, an outline.
A plan that isn't complete,
So why not physically be a skeleton
Since thats what I am
Inside?

There's nothing else. No other hope.
All I once hoped for gone.
Its all meaningless, all a delusion.
There's no hope
No fullness of life.

The Tunnel

The air thickens

The noise increases

The light begins to hurt my eyes

And all ahead I see the walls

Getting narrower and narrower

They seem to never end

Closing in on me

Keeping me prisoner

Trapped

No escape, nowhere to run

There are no hiding places here

No crevices to curl up in

I can't hide

I can't escape

I am on public display

But alone in this bright

Far too bright

Tunnel

I hate myself

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my fat,
I hate my weight,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my spots,
I hate my hariness,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my chin,
I hate my face,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my legs,
I hate my bum,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my face,
My figure, my body,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my lies,
I hate my deceit,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my age,
I hate my singleness,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my seriousness,
I hate my intensity,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my dependence,
I hate my depression,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate needing attention,
I hate being a burden,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate being challenged,
I hate ignoring God,
I hate myself so much.

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my heart,
I hate my hate,
I hate myself so much.

But most of all,

I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself,
I hate myself so much.
I hate my fat,
I hate my weight,
I hate myself so much.

Confusion

Questions spiralling out of control,
Doubts hammering at my head.
Everythings spinning, everything's mad,
Torments weigh heavy on my heart.

Questions keep nagging, confusion starts,
Answers conflicting, confusion mounts.
Is God distant? Does God care
About our little personal concerns?

Is God out there sorting out the Universe?
Is God listening right now
To the questions my heart is expounding,
The frustrations within my mind?

When there is something we Christian's desire,
Are we meant to request it from God?
Or are we meant to learn to be content
With whatever lot we get?

It seems I can't do both,
Because when I ask, I want.
But if I don't ask, will I ever get
This thing my hear so desires?

Its not like what I want is wrong in itself,
Although I realise I want it too muuch.
But I'm scared that if I let go and try not to care,
Then it will never happen at all.

I want to not want, and yet I am scared,
That if I don't want I wont get.
So I want to not want, but don't want to not want,
How can I clear my head?

Alongside all this, I don't even know,
If God will bother getting involved?
I want to clarify its not bad for him not to,
As its such a worldly thing to desire.

Does God get involved in material desires?
Does God grant such requests?
Is it something we're meant to deal with ourselves,
As part of living in this world?

The trouble is I can't do this myself.
I don't have the Characteristics.
Plus the opportunities just don't seem to be there,
So you can see why I need God to care.

I know I ought to take responsibility,
I mean, everyone else manages.
Maybe I was just too late in realising
How hard I'd have to try myself.

What makes it worse is it really just proves
That my opinion of myself is right.
I can't do this myself because of who I am.
Unnatractive, sad and a bit dull.

What do I do? Do I ask God to intervene?
I know that He can if He will.
I just don't kbnow that He will, and so that suggests,
That I have to learn to be fine.

I'm not fine, I don't want to be fine.
And yet I don't have much choice.
I have to live in this second choice world
Regardless of the pain involved.

Fat

Why am I so disgusting?
Why am I so fat?
Why can't I stop myself eating?
Why can't my stomach be flat?

I really really hate myself.
I hate myself so much.
I am gross, I am huge,
I can't feel my bones at one touch.

I like it when I refuse to eat.
That's when I feel in control.
I am a better person when I've eaten nothing.
It seems to make me feel whole.

I know I can do it for a while,
I have done it a few times before.
But when I lose it and have to eat,
I just can't help but eat more.

Except I can, but I don't,
Which really makes it much worse.
I want to succeed at refusing to eat,
Eating's a failure, to be terse.

When there's 'stuff' in my body I'm dirty,
I need to cleanse the inside.
I need to get rid of all that stuff,
I want to be clean and feel pride.

Pride in my achievements,
At making myself be thin.
At refusing to eat in spite of temptation
Its a battle I just have to win.

I don't want 'them' to find out,
But I also have to be thin.
I just want to lose a bit more.
Really, is that such a sin?

This is my goal - never to eat.
So what do I do when I'm stuck,
If for some reason I am forced to eat?
I must stop after a little and then chuck.

I must stop getting carried away.
Its never ok to go mad.
Chocolate, crisps, cheese and general fat,
Is simply and truly bad.

This is my life, this is my goal,
I will not eat unless forced.
This is my life, this is my goal,
To be thin.

Release

I'm laying in the darkness.
Doing nothing,
Just laying here,
With thoughts swirling around in my mind.
And with each new thought that comes
I get more tense,
More agitated,
More frustrated.
And I need to release it.
Need to throw something,
Need to rip something.
Cutting isn't helping anymore,
I need something new.

I tried burning my arm,
But couldn't handle the pain,
Another failure.
I tried slicing my thumb.
That wasn't enough.
I punched a wall.
Again, not enough.
I considered finding a vein to cut,
So that I would see the blood flow,
But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
It would be to obvious,
People would see,
People would know.

I must get thin.
It's the only way out.

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