Confusion

Questions spiralling out of control,
Doubts hammering at my head.
Everythings spinning, everything's mad,
Torments weigh heavy on my heart.

Questions keep nagging, confusion starts,
Answers conflicting, confusion mounts.
Is God distant? Does God care
About our little personal concerns?

Is God out there sorting out the Universe?
Is God listening right now
To the questions my heart is expounding,
The frustrations within my mind?

When there is something we Christian's desire,
Are we meant to request it from God?
Or are we meant to learn to be content
With whatever lot we get?

It seems I can't do both,
Because when I ask, I want.
But if I don't ask, will I ever get
This thing my hear so desires?

Its not like what I want is wrong in itself,
Although I realise I want it too muuch.
But I'm scared that if I let go and try not to care,
Then it will never happen at all.

I want to not want, and yet I am scared,
That if I don't want I wont get.
So I want to not want, but don't want to not want,
How can I clear my head?

Alongside all this, I don't even know,
If God will bother getting involved?
I want to clarify its not bad for him not to,
As its such a worldly thing to desire.

Does God get involved in material desires?
Does God grant such requests?
Is it something we're meant to deal with ourselves,
As part of living in this world?

The trouble is I can't do this myself.
I don't have the Characteristics.
Plus the opportunities just don't seem to be there,
So you can see why I need God to care.

I know I ought to take responsibility,
I mean, everyone else manages.
Maybe I was just too late in realising
How hard I'd have to try myself.

What makes it worse is it really just proves
That my opinion of myself is right.
I can't do this myself because of who I am.
Unnatractive, sad and a bit dull.

What do I do? Do I ask God to intervene?
I know that He can if He will.
I just don't kbnow that He will, and so that suggests,
That I have to learn to be fine.

I'm not fine, I don't want to be fine.
And yet I don't have much choice.
I have to live in this second choice world
Regardless of the pain involved.